Clean Carpets
by makoshark
Summary: Now a series of Ichiruki oneshots.
1. Clean Carpets

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**Clean Carpets**

"You're bleeding!"

Ichigo had been expecting this. Half an hour ago Rukia's spirit phone had gone off, and the message had said that two low-level hollows were in Karakura Park. Ichigo had gone by himself to dispatch them, as Rukia had decided to stay in the apartment because there was a Chappy the Bunny Special on TV.

Two low-level hollows like these ones shouldn't have been any trouble for Ichigo, but somehow one of them had managed to slash his arm before he killed it. As a result he now had a large gash on his arm and it was bleeding quite profusely. It looked pretty bad, but Ichigo knew from experience that while this wound might look bad, it was merely superficial. Wrap a bandage around it and he would be fine.

Rukia however was a worrywart. She didn't like to admit it, but Ichigo knew that she secretly worried about him whenever he went to slay hollows on his own. Ichigo knew that when Rukia berated him for doing something dangerous or called him a fool she was really just saying that she had been worried about him.

Ichigo didn't know why Rukia worried about him so much though. He was a Shinagami with Captain level abilities. If she worried about anybody, it should be about herself. After all she was the one who always needed to be saved. Ichigo remembered that time when he had come for her at the Sokyoku, he had been terrified that he was going to be too late that--

"….ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME ICHIGO?"

Ichigo looked up guiltily at Rukia, he felt bad that he had been zoning out while she had been worrying about him. She probably was worried that he had a concussion or a head injury now.

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"I SAID YOU'RE BLEEDING ALL OVER THE NEW CARPET!"

Yep she worried about him, that was why she was currently in his face yelling at him … about the carpet?! Maybe he did have a head injury after all.

"What the hell Rukia! Here I am injured and all you're worried about is the freaking carpet?!"

"ICHIGO KUROSAKI, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET BLOODSTAINS OUT OF A CARPET?"

"Well how would you know? It's not like you do any cleaning around here." Ichigo shot back.

Oh crap!

"Now Rukia calm down. I didn't mean it that way. Let me explain--RUKIA PUT THAT DOWN. I SAID PUT THAT DOWN! RUKIA YOU KNOW YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO GET MORE BLOOD ON THE CARPET IF YOU DO THAT! AAAH!"


	2. WoW

**A/N: Due to the unexpected number of positive reviews I received for my first story "Clean Carpets" I decided to turn this into a series of ichiruki oneshots. Thank you to everybody who has left a review for me.**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**WoW**

"Ichigo! I need $20."

"What?! I just gave you $40 two days ago. What did you spend it on, because it sure as hell wasn't groceries considering the fact the cupboards are bare."

"I spent it on WoW."

"WoW? What the hell is that Rukia?"

"World of Warcraft. Honestly Ichigo have you been living under a rock? Anyways I need money to buy an expansion pack."

"What the hell do you need an expansion pack for?"

"The expansion pack has the new profession, jewelcrafting, which I want for my character so I can earn more money to buy the sword I want."

"Let me get this straight, you, who refuse to get a job, want me to give you my hard-earned _real_ money so that you can do _virtual_ work on a computer game and earn _virtual_ money to buy your character a _virtual_ sword?!"

"Yes."

"Well my answer is 'no' Rukia. If you want to waste money on some stupid game then you can get a job and waste your own money, because you sure as hell aren't wasting mine."

Rukia frowned, but that quickly turned into a pout.

Oh no, Ichigo knew what was coming next. Cue the fake tears.

"Why are you being so cruel to me Ichigo? I left my friends, my family, and my home, all to be with you. And now I'm living in this tiny apartment with you, in a strange new world, and you're mad that I don't have a job. It's not my fault that I don't have the skills necessary to get a job in the real world."

The puppy dog face Rukia was giving him right now might have worked on a lesser man, but not Ichigo Kurosaki. "Rukia, Hantarou was able to get a job here at a burger joint in his first week in the real world. I'm sure with your _many_ talents you would able to find something, if you actually _looked_."

Rukia narrowed her eyes. Time to play her trump card. Rukia got out her cell phone out of her pocket. "Ichigo, I really didn't want to do this, but you've left me with no choice."

"Rukia, what are you doing?"

Rukia's next words sent chills down Ichigo's spine "I'm calling your father to tell him you're not providing properly for me."

Faster than you can say 'Bleach' Ichigo produced $20 from his wallet and handed it to Rukia. "Here, buy your stupid expansion pack."

"Thank you, Ichigo." Rukia said in her fake school girl voice, and she leaned forward and pecked him on the cheek before happily skipping out the front door to buy her expansion pack.


	3. Sexiest Shinagami Pt1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach.

**A/N:** I was planning on making this a longer oneshot, but it didn't flow properly, so I ended up making it a two-parter. Hopefully you guys will enjoy this one. I have to go back to school next week and after that I probably won't have as much time to write. Feel free to leave a review.

**Sexiest Shinagami Pt.1**

Ichigo was lying in bed reading Shakespeare's _Hamlet_. He was right at the part when Hamlet finds out who murdered his father, when the person lying in bed beside him let out an excited squeal.

Ichigo turned and looked at his bedmate who had a giant grin on her face. "Oi Rukia, what's got you so excited?"

"It's the Shinagami Women's Association Annual Survey. Nii-sama came in second in the _Sexiest Male Shinagami_ poll."

Ichigo looked at Rukia in disbelief "I know Byakuya isn't your real brother Rukia, but it's a bit creepy that you're-"

_Whack!_

Rukia's rolled up newspaper had just made contact with Ichigo's head.

"Idiot! Nii-sama has come in first in that poll for the last twelve years. I'm not excited because he came in second, I'm excited because he didn't come in _first_! Do you have any idea what it's like to have to sit at the Shinagami Women's Association Meetings and listen to people talk about my brother's 'cute' butt!"

_They talked about Byakuya's butt at their meetings? His butt? Just thinking about_--Ichigo needed to change the topic of conversation. Fast. Byakuya's butt was not something he should be thinking about. Ever.

"So who unseated Byakuya from the top spot then?" Ichigo asked.

Rukia mumbled something in response that Ichigo didn't catch.

"Who?" Ichigo repeated.

"Just some unseated Shinagami. You wouldn't know him." Rukia answered.

Rukia obviously didn't want to tell Ichigo who came in first. The mumbling and vague answers made that perfectly clear. Ichigo hadn't really been interested in who was number one in the poll before, but now his curiosity was piqued.

"Why do you think I wouldn't know him?" Ichigo asked.

"Why are you so interested?" Rukia responded defensively.

"I just want to know whose butt my girlfriend is going to be discussing at the next Shinagami Women's Association Meeting."

"As I said before you wouldn't know him. He's unseated so you wouldn't have had contact with him."

"Oh." Ichigo said, as if he was satisfied with her answer. Rukia obviously wasn't going to answer his question which meant Ichigo would have to resort to more underhanded methods to find out what he wanted to know; his underhanded method being reaching over and grabbing the newspaper out of Rukia's hands.

"Give that back!" Rukia yelled in outrage.

Ichigo smirked and held the newspaper out of her reach. Aah, the advantages of being tall.

Ichigo scanned the newspaper for "Sexiest Shinagami" and found the poll for "The Top Ten Sexiest Male Shinagami: Dead or Alive." The name he found in first place was: _Kurosaki Ichigo._

"So I'm the _Sexiest Shinagami_. Did they add the 'Dead or Alive' part just for me?" Ichigo asked Rukia with a grin.

"Yes," Rukia grumbled "Your fangirls have been lobbying for you to be included in the poll for the last three years."

"So let me get this straight Rukia. You were excited that your brother came in second, but you weren't excited that your boyfriend came in _first_ and was deemed the _Sexiest Male Shinagami Dead or Alive_? I would think that you would be more excited, considering that now you can brag to all of your girlfriends that you're dating the _Sexiest Male Shinagami Dead or Alive_." Ichigo said with a smirk.

Rukia scowled "See, this is why I didn't want you to know. I didn't want your already large ego to become even more inflated. And I hardly think the fact that I'm dating you is something to brag about."

"67% of female Shinagami would disagree with you." Ichigo said playfully.

Ichigo laughed when Rukia had no response to this.

"I wonder who else made the top ten." Ichigo wondered aloud. Ichigo looked back down at the list and…

"Holy crap! Renji is number five?"

"What's wrong with Renji?" Rukia asked.

"Well he's okay if you like _tall tattooed freaks with funny coloured hair_."

"You know Ichigo, minus the tattoo part it sounded kind of like you were describing yourself."

Ichigo scowled. His hair colour was a natural orange. Renji's was a fire engine red, the type that you only saw on circus freaks. And those tattoos! They looked absolutely ridiculous. Who in their sane mind put a tattoo on their face and who –

"Umm Ichigo, can I have my newspaper back?" Rukia asked, interrupting Ichigo's mental rant. Ichigo looked down at his bedmate, whose strap of her spaghetti strap shirt he noted, had started to slide down her shoulder.

"No." Ichigo answered with a mischievous smile, and he threw the newspaper off the bed.

"Ichigo! Why—"

Ichigo cut off Rukia by capturing her lips with his as he pulled her towards himself for a passionate kiss.

Afterwards he asked her with that mischievous smile again, "Rukia don't you want to spend some time with Soul Society's _Sexiest Shinagami_?"


	4. Sexiest Shinagami Pt2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach

**Sexiest Shinagami Pt.2**

"So Rukia is there a poll for the _Sexiest Female Shinagami_ too?" Ichigo asked.

"Yes, that poll is included in the Shinagami Men's Association Annual Survey."

"There's a Shinagami Men's Association?"

"Ichigo you've been going to the Shinagami Men's Association Meetings on the third Friday of every month for the last two years."

"Those are meetings? But we don't do anything. All that we do is go out to the bar to drink. I thought those were just our monthly bar nights."

"Yes, well despite the fact that the Shinagami Men's Association is run more loosely than the Women's, you guys do manage to produce the Shinagami Men's Association's Annual Survey every year. It's probably the only thing the Shinagami Men's Association actually does." Rukia explained.

"So when do I get to vote in this survey?"

"The voting for this year is closed now. The ballots have already been collected and the results will probably be published in the newspaper in a couple of days."

"Why didn't I get a ballot?"

"You did get a ballot. It was a blue piece of paper. I gave it to you when it came in the mail three weeks ago."

"That was my ballot? But I recycled that. I thought that was some sort of paperwork I had to fill out!"

"Idiot! Why would you throw that out if you thought it was paperwork?!"

"I hate doing paperwork. You know that." Ichigo said sullenly. "So who do you think the _Sexiest Female Shinagami_ is going to be?"

"I don't know. Matsumoto and Yoruichi have both won a couple of times."

"Hmm."

"What's that 'Hmm' for? You don't find them attractive?"

"They're both attractive I suppose. Matsumoto's 'charms' are quite obvious, and well, Yoruichi has a great body plush she is very exotic looking—"

"Careful," Rukia interrupted him, narrowing her eyes "Or I might just leave you to your fangirls next time."

Ichigo shuddered. Rukia was referring to the last time she and Ichigo had been to Soul Society. Rukia had had to go to Soul Society to make a report to her Captain, and Ichigo had decided to tag along. While Rukia had been in the Thirteenth Division giving her report to Captain Ukitake, Ichigo had decided to go and see if any of the guys were around and wanted to go out for some drinks. The moment Ichigo had stepped outside of the Thirteenth he had been mobbed by a pack of fangirls. They had chased him for twenty minutes before Rukia had come and rescued him. That experience had led Ichigo to two conclusions: 1. Fangirls are scary 2. Rukia, when she was angry, was even scarier.

Ichigo didn't want Rukia angry, especially when he needed her to protect him from the rabid fangirls.

"As I was saying before you interrupted me. Matsumoto and Yoruichi are both attractive, but they're nothing special. I prefer my women short, say about 4'8, with pale skin, dark hair and stunningly beautiful purple eyes."

Rukia smiled at Ichigo and then kicked him in the shin.

"Owww! WHAT THE HELL RUKIA?"

"That's for calling me short." said Rukia, and then she leaned in and kissed him "And that's for calling me beautiful."


	5. Jury Duty

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach.

**Jury Duty**

It was 11:20 on a Monday afternoon. Ichigo was sitting at the kitchen table studying, while Rukia was eagerly waiting by the door.

Every weekday at exactly 11:20 Rukia would situate herself by the door, because between 11:20 and 11:30 the mail came. Something about the mail absolutely fascinated Rukia. She loved looking through the flyers and catalogues that advertised new amazing human products. She would squeal with delight whenever they received coupons, even if they were for products that she would never buy. Even the junk mail was eagerly read by Rukia each day. And then there was the real mail. Ichigo had tried to impress on her the fact that it was rude to open other people's mail (meaning his), however despite his best efforts all of the mail he now received was first opened and inspected by Rukia before being passed on to him.

Except for the bills.

At first Rukia had opened all of his mail indiscriminately, but she had quickly learned how to discern bills from other mail. As a result any bills came to Ichigo unopened, for his eyes (and wallet) only, while other pieces of mails such as letters, etc., Rukia took great pleasure in opening and reading before delivering them to Ichigo.

The crème de le crème for Rukia though was when she received mail addressed to _her_. This didn't happen very often, but because she had been living in the human world for so long she had started to receive the occasional letter from businesses, organizations and even the government. When Rukia received a letter addressed to _her_, this was an occasion for celebration, and Rukia would eagerly interrupt whatever Ichigo was doing to inform him of the fact that _she_ had received a letter. Then she would proceed to opening the letter, and any highlights would be read aloud to Ichigo.

Today was one of those momentous occasions in which _she_ had received a letter, and Rukia had rushed into the kitchen to announce to Ichigo "I received a letter."

"Hmm." Ichigo murmured in acknowledgement and then went back to studying. Ichigo knew from past experiences (and bruises) that it was important that he acknowledge Rukia when she announced that she had received a letter.

"Let's see," Rukia said as she eagerly opened the letter, "It's from the Department of Justice."

That got Ichigo's attention. Why the hell would they be writing to her?

"Oh, look I've won something!" Rukia said in excitement.

"You've won something?" Ichigo asked sceptically.

"Yes, it says here I won a lottery and I've been selected for Jury Duty!"

Two things ran through Ichigo's mind when Rukia said this. The first was: _Thank God it wasn't for me_. The second was: _Why the hell is Rukia so excited about jury duty?_

"You don't know what jury duty is, do you Rukia?"

"Nooo."

"When someone is believed to have broken the law, they are usually subjected to a trial by jury. A jury is composed of twelve people who are presented with the evidence and the facts of the case and have to decide whether the accused is guilty or innocent."

"How come I haven't got to do this before? This sounds exciting!"

"It isn't supposed to be exciting Rukia!"

"Why not? Getting to decide whether a person has committed a crime, and then punishing them if they did sounds pretty exciting to me. I get to pass down judgement on these puny humans!"

"Rukia, jury duty isn't exciting, it's a very serious thing. You have attend the trial which can last anywhere from a couple of hours to a couple of months. And during the trial you have to pay very close attention to all the evidence and facts that are presented to you so you can make the right decision. Your decision about whether a person is innocent or guilty can have very serious consequences. And it isn't just you passing judgement on a person, there are eleven other people on the jury who you have to come to an agreement with. That can take hours, sometimes even days and during that time you usually have to stay in a hotel and aren't allowed to leave or have any contact with your friends and families. Sometimes you can't even watch TV or go on the internet because they don't want you to be influenced by outside sources."

"No TV?!" Rukia exclaimed with terror filled eyes, "Ichigo you have to get me out of jury duty!"

"You know you wouldn't be in this mess Rukia, if you hadn't insisted on using your fake identification to vote for the Environment Party in the national election. Only people registered to vote get called for jury duty."

"It's not my fault that I care about the environment and don't want to see the Earth destroyed by you humans!"

"Well you know technically you should be exempt from jury duty because anyone over the age of 65 doesn't have to serve." Ichigo said snickering.

"Did you just make a comment about my _age_?" Rukia snarled.

"No! I was just trying to help think of a way to get you out of jury duty."

"I'll let that slide, but you better think of a way to get me out of jury duty Ichigo."

"Don't worry, I've got it! All that you have to do is convince the lawyers that you're biased towards the defendant and then the defendant's lawyer will ask for you to be excused."

"How do I convince them that I'm biased Ichigo?"

"Well during the selection the lawyer's will ask you some questions to see if you will be a suitable juror. So all that you have to do is say something that shows you're biased towards thedefendant. So if the defendant is a plumber for example say something like 'I don't trust plumbers' and then the defendant's lawyer won't want you on the jury and you'll be excused."

* * *

The door slammed, announcing that Rukia was home from the jury selection.

"ICHIGO! Your advice sucked!"

"What happened?"

"I did exactly what you said. The defendant was a politician, so when they started to ask me questions for the selection process, I said 'I don't trust politician.' And when I said that, the defendant's lawyer--that bastard--he laughed at me!"

_She doesn't trust politicians? _Ichigo managed not to laugh, but he couldn't keep a small smile off his face.

Rukia glared at him, and then she stormed off upstairs. When she reached the top of the stairs she paused, and then yelled down "You know who I should tell them I don't trust next time? Orange-haired Shinagami!"

The next thing Ichigo heard was their bedroom door slamming shut. He guessed he'd be sleeping on the couch today.

"Oh, and I have to be at court for 7 am sharp tomorrow morning and you're driving me!" Rukia added.

_7 am! What type of judge would schedule court to begin_—

"And if you EVER want to sleep in this bed again then I expect there to be pancakes waiting for me on the table when I get up tomorrow morning, considering this is all YOUR FAULT!"

_All his fault? His fault?_

Ichigo wondered to himself what the likelihood would be of a jury convicting him if he were to 'accidentally' slip some poison into Rukia's breakfast tomorrow.

**A/N: **I based this on the Canadian Legal System, I have no idea how the Japanese Legal System works. Also the part about the Environmental Party was based on the fact that Canada has a political party called the 'Green Party' whose main platform is the protection of the environment. Oh, and feel free to leave a review.


	6. Insanity

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach

**A/N: **Thank you to everybody who has left me reviews. They make me happy! As always feel free to leave a review. Enjoy!

* * *

**Insanity**

"GOD DAMMIT!" Ichigo heard Rukia curse from the other room.

Ichigo chuckled. Earlier this morning he and Rukia had been out at IKEA (1) looking for a new desk lamp when Rukia had seen the "Cutest night stand ever that she just had to have". The night stand was a rose colour with little white rabbits on it. It was meant for a child's bedroom, but all Rukia cared about of course was the fact that it had rabbits on it. After much whining and pleading Ichigo had agreed to buy it for Rukia on the condition that she be the one to assemble it. They had left IKEA with Ichigo carrying a new lamp for his desk and the parts for Rukia's new dresser.

"…stupid screw! WHY WON'T YOU WORK! FIT DAMN YOU"

As amusing as it was to hear Rukia yell at an inanimate object, Ichigo decided that he better go investigate before Rukia completely lost it and decided to take her anger out on something other than the screw.

"Having troubles Rukia?" Ichigo asked her as he watched her furiously attempt to screw a screw in with the screwdriver.

"This stupid screw won't go in! I've been turning it and turning it for the last ten minutes and it won't go in."

"Rukia if you have been screwing it for ten minutes and it hasn't gone in then there must me something wrong with. Maybe you should try another screw."

"I don't have another. The night table needs eight, and there was only eight in the package."

"Well we can always—"

"NO! I want my Chappy Nights Stand and no lousy screw is going to stand in my way! No stupid screw is going to get the better of Rukia Kuchiki! I'll make it go in if it takes all night!"

"Rukia, you know one of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." (2)

"You know what another definition is Ichigo? Annoying your girlfriend when she is angry and has a sharp pointy object in her hand."

"I think I'm going to go back to studying."

"_Good choice_."

And so Ichigo left Rukia to continue her battle with the plastic screw.

* * *

(1) IKEA is a Swedish furniture store. The majority of furniture is bought unassembled, and is meant to be assembled by the customer at home. Anybody who has ever assembled IKEA furniture knows that they have nice stuff, but assembling it can be a nightmare.

(2) Albert Einstein is supposed to have said "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."


	7. Renji

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach

* * *

**Renji**

Ichigo passed a bottle of beer to Renji, and a bottle to Ikkaku, who had both made themselves comfortable on his sofa. _At least they hadn't taken his reclining chair_ Ichigo thought as he sat down in favourite seat and popped the cap off of his bottle. It had been an unpleasant surprise for Ichigo when the two of them had shown up at his apartment earlier this evening.

"Aaaah. That hits the spot." Ikkaku said.

"Yeah, and maybe it'll get that stupid look off of Ichigo's face."

"Stupid look? What the hell Renji?!"

"That scowl that you've been wearing since we've gotten here. You'd think that you'd be happy that Rukia will be gone for the weekend and you get the house to yourself for a while. I mean Rukia is great, but women, you need a break from them every once in a while."

"Or you can just not bother with them at all." Ikkaku put in.

"Yes, well the only problem is I don't get the house to myself do I? I have two unwanted house guests, and I would prefer Rukia over you guys any day, even when she is nagging me." Ichigo said glaring at his two unwanted house guests.

"That hurts Ichigo. Hurts me right here." Renji said, pointing to his heart.

"Well it's you own fault that we're here. If it hadn't been for the incident last time Rukia went back to Soul Society we wouldn't have to be here babysitting you. Mind you this isn't so bad, the beer's pretty good." commented Ikkaku.

"That incident wasn't even my fault!" Ichigo protested.

"Sure, it wasn't." said Renji.

"Hey do you have any chips?" Ikkaku asked.

"Or those curly salted things?" Renji added.

"You mean pretzels?" Ichigo asked.

"Yeah, those are the ones."

"We have some chips and pretzels in the cupboard, I'll go get them."

Ichigo reluctantly got up from his comfy chair to go and get the chips and pretzels from the cupboard. _Stupid lazy freeloaders_. Renji and Ikkaku were probably going to sit on his coach all weekend eating all of his food and making a mess of the place.

When Ichigo came back with the snacks he found that Renji had made himself even more comfortable, and now had his feet propped up on the coffee table.

"Oi Renji, can you get your freaking feet off of the table?"

"Calm down Ichigo. Rukia isn't here, remember? We can sit back and relax."

"What does Rukia have to do with this? I don't want your dirty feet on the table because it's unsanitary. You know some people eat off of there. And would you mind putting your beer on a coaster, they are on the table for a reason."

Renji gave Ikkaku a look before removing his feet from the coffee table and moving his beer so it was now sitting on a coaster

"And I suppose you would be angry to know then that I drank some milk straight from the carton?"

"You WHAT?"

Renji chuckled "Don't get your panties in a twist Ichigo, I didn't really do that. Man, Rukia has got you whipped."

"What! I'm not whipped. I'm just not a slob like you guys." Ichigo protested, even though the reason he had stopped drinking straight from the milk carton had been Rukia's incessant nagging.

"I'd have to agree with Renji my friend –" Ikakku began before Ichigo interrupted him.

"Oh crap! I forgot to feed Renji!" Ichigo exclaimed with a look of horror on his face, before dashing off upstairs.

"What's he doing? I'm right here." Renji said to Ikakku in confusion.

"Yes, and he already has provided us with food." Ikkaku said, equally as confused.

* * *

Renji and Ikkaku watched as 'Renji' the red Siamese fighting fish swam around his tank.

"So Renji is Rukia's fish?"

"I guess so."

"And he says he isn't whipped!" Renji said chuckling once again.

"Yeah, I'd have to agree with you on that one. Man is he ever whipped."

"It's kind of cool though that Rukia named her fish after me."

"You know" Ikkaku said as he rubbed his chin as if he was in deep thought, "I can kind of see a resemblance between you and him."

"WHAT?!"

* * *

**A/N**: I don't know if it's just me, but Renji's hair has always reminded me of the fins of a Siamese fighting fish. If you don't know what a Siamese fighting fish looks like, just google it (look at the red ones). Anybody else see the resemblance? Anybody? I don't know, maybe it's just me.

In case you were wondering about "the incident" that occured the last time Rukia went to Soul Society that I refrenced in this story, I don't know what it "the incident" is yet, but when I figure it out I'll write a chapter about it. And as always feel free to leave a review.


	8. Playplace

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach

* * *

**Playplace**

"Rukia."

"Rukia, come on let's get going."

Ichigo sighed in frustration as Rukia continued to ignore him. Trying to get Rukia out of the ballpit at McDonalds was proving to be an impossible task.

"Rukia, you're not supposed to be in there. This is for kids only. Mind you you're short enough to pass for one."

This comment earned Ichigo a ball to the face.

Ichigo scowled.

"Midget we're going. NOW. Don't make me come in there and get you." Ichigo threatened.

Rukia's response to this threat was to pelt Ichigo with a flurry of plastic balls.

"Rukia quit it!….Aaah!…STOP PELTING ME WITH BALLS YOU STUPID MIDGET!"

Ichigo's pleas fell on deaf ears, as plastic balls continued to rain down upon him.

"Allright, you asked for it." Ichigo growled as he advanced through a hail of balls to the ballpit and then jumped in.

* * *

The ballpit in McDonalds had been turned into a warzone. The floor around the ballpit was littered with errant balls that had strayed from their targets. During the battle the sounds of balls bouncing around and loud shouts whenever someone scored a hit could be heard coming from the ballpit.

At the moment however the battle was at a standstill and all was quiet. Inside the ballpit Ichigo's hands were full of ammunition as he watched the currently motionless sea of balls around him. Rukia's preferred tactic was to hide underneath the sea of balls and then pop up unexpectedly for a surprise attack before quickly disappearing back underneath the sea of balls. She had already been under there for several minutes and Ichigo knew that she was going to make her move soon.

Ichigo was intently concentrating on the sea of balls, watching for any signs of Rukia's impending attack, when a voice interrupted his concentration.

"Uh, excuse me. We've been getting complaints from some uh customers and I'm umm going to have to ask you to leave." A nervous looking teenager in the McDonald's uniform informed Ichigo from outside the ballpit.

Ichigo slowly dropped the balls in his arms as he noticed the eyes of everyone else in the restaurant were on him.

* * *

"I can't believe we just got kicked out of McDonalds by some pubescent teenager."

Rukia laughed "It was pretty funny though when that old lady called you a hooligan and started going on about how some people never grow up."

"It was not funny. It was so embarrassing to have everyone in the restaurant staring at us. I can't believe I got pulled into something as childish as playing in a ballpit." Ichigo said with a scowl on his face as he remembered their walk of shame out of the McDonalds.

"It was fun though, wasn't it?" Rukia said, smiling up at Ichigo.

Ichigo's lip twitched. It had been pretty fun.

But he'd never admit it.

* * *

**A/N: **I used to love playing in the McDonalds Playplaces. There was a place near my house called Crash Crawleys which was like a giant McDonalds Playplace and it had a giant ballpit. My friends used to always have Birthday parties there, I had a couple of Birthday parties there too. Too bad I'm too old for that now!


	9. Superhero

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach.

* * *

**Superhero**

Rukia and Ichigo had just finished watching Spider Man 2.

Ichigo walked over to the TV to take the movie out of the DVD player. "You know when I was little I wanted to be a superhero. I always wanted to have superpowers to protect my family and fight the bad guys. I still think it would be pretty cool."

At this Rukia started laughing hysterically.

"What? Why are you laughing?" Ichigo asked in annoyance.

"Ichigo, you pretty much are a super hero. You have a giant sword, you fight monsters, and you can fly. You've worn a cape on several occasions. You've saved the girl and you've saved the world. You even have an evil side, and heck, when you go into Hollow mode you have a mask. All that you need is some spandex and you can sign up for the Justice League as a caped crusader. How much more of a superhero could you be?"

"Yeah, I guess I am pretty much like a superhero." Ichigo said, grinning.

"Yes, now the only thing you need to work on is your witty comebacks."

"What?!"

"See what I mean."


	10. Santa

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach

**A/N:** Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope you enjoy the story.

* * *

**Santa**

Ichigo flopped down on the couch beside Rukia and let out a loud sigh of relief. It was nice to be home.

"So how did it go?" Rukia asked, turning her attention towards him, and away from the television show she had been watching.

"Awful." Ichigo said. He had just written a brutal organic chemistry exam and then on his way home the bus he was taking had broken down so he--and was that something burning he smelled?!

"Rukia are you cooking something?"

"Oh crap!" Rukia yelled before jumping off the couch and racing into the kitchen.

Ichigo followed close behind and arrived just in time to see a big cloud of smoke come out of the oven when Rukia opened it. Rukia pulled a tray out of the oven which had several black blobs on it that were now charred beyond recognition.

"Oh no! They're ruined!"

"What were you trying to make?" Ichigo asked.

"I was making cookies for Santa."

"For Santa?" Ichigo said, laughing hysterically.

"What's so funny? I need to leave cookies and milk out for Santa on Christmas Eve so he will bring me presents."

"Rukia, you do know that Santa isn't real, right?"

"What do you mean he isn't real? He left me a present under your Christmas tree last year, and he ate the cookies that Yuzu and I left out for him."

"Rukia, that was my Dad."

"Your Dad is Santa?!" Rukia said, looking at Ichigo in awe.

"No, my Dad is not Santa. What I'm trying to tell you is that Santa is not real. There is no fat man in a red suit who goes down chimneys and gives presents to good little kids. There was a Saint Nicholas many years ago who gave out gifts to children but he is dead and—"

"So Santa is a Shinagami?" Rukia exclaimed, interrupting Ichigo.

"No Santa is not a Shinagami. Santa is an embodiment of the spirit of Christmas--"

"So Santa is a ghost?"

"No Santa is not a ghost."

"Is he a hollow then?!"

Ichigo sighed_. This might take a while_.


	11. Cyberchondria

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach**

**A/N: **Sorry that I haven't written in so long, I've been sick and then I was busy with school.

* * *

**Cyberchondria**

"Ichigo! Ichigo!" Ichigo heard Rukia call as she thundered down the stairs and into the kitchen where he was sitting working on his laptop.

"Oi, Rukia what's wrong?" Ichigo asked jumping up in concern, as he took in her dishevelled appearance and flushed cheeks.

"There's something wrong with me!" Rukia said in a panicked voice.

"What? Are you hurt?" Ichigo asked as he scanned her figure for injuries.

"I don't know. I don't seem to have any injuries, but my throat hurts and my body aches. I feel like I just got out of the Fourth Division after recovering from an injury. And I feel tired and before I kept on sneezing. I feel terrible!"

"Oh, that's all Rukia?"

"What do you mean that's all? There's something seriously wrong with me!"

"Rukia calm down. You 're just sick."

"Sick? What do you mean sick? Shinagami don't get sick."

"Well by the looks of it they do. You said that your throat was sore, you keep on sneezing and you have aches and feel tired?" Ichigo asked.

Rukia nodded.

Ichigo leaned in and felt Rukia's forehead with his hand. "You don't have a fever. It looks like you just have a cold."

"A cold? All that I have is a mere human cold? Are you sure?"

"Rukia, my dad is a doctor. I know a cold when I see one."

"What should I do then?"

"Just go and rest Rukia. The cold will go away by itself in a day or two."

"You're absolutely sure?" Rukia asked looking doubtful.

"Yes, I'm sure. Trust me Rukia. Now go upstairs and get some rest."

_10 minutes later_

Ichigo looked up as once again he heard Rukia thundering down the stairs.

Before he could ask her what was wrong Rukia yelled out "Ichigo I think I have syphilis!"

_WHAT THE HELL?_

"Syphilis?"

"Yes, I was researching my symptoms on the internet and it said I have syphilis and—"

"Rukia, you don't have syphilis." Ichigo said interrupting her.

"But the computer said—"

"Rukia. You. Do. Not. Have. Syphilis."

"Well how do you know?"

"Rukia, do you know what syphilis is?"

"No…"

"It's an STD."

Rukia looked at him with a blank look on her face. Sometimes Ichigo forgot that she wasn't up to date with all the modern day terms.

"A sexually transmitted disease." Ichigo elaborated.

As Rukia digested what Ichigo had just said a look of horror came onto her face. "You gave me this?!"

"WHAT THE HELL? NO! I DID NOT GIVE YOU SYPHILIS! I DO NOT HAVE SYPHILIS AND UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH SOME OTHER GUY WHO I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THERE IS NO WAY THAT YOU HAVE SYPHILIS!"

Rukia responded to this by viciously kicking Ichigo in the shin.

"OWWW!" Ichigo cried out in pain as he clutched his shin. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"

" OF COURSE I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER GUY!" Rukia said in outrage.

"ALRIGHT THEN OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T HAVE SYPHILIS!"

_20 Minutes Later…_

"Ichigo, I'm starting to get a headache now, are you still sure that it's just a cold?" Rukia asked.

Ichigo was the one with a headache now. "Yes Rukia, it's a cold. Now go back to bed."

_10 Minutes Later…_

She was back.

"I decided to double-check on the internet anyways to make sure that it was just a cold and it said I have a chronic kidney disease."

"Rukia, you have a cold. You do not have syphilis, or a kidney disease or rabies or SARS or whatever else the internet may have told you you have. You have a _cold._"

"Ichigo there is no way that a mere human cold could make me feel so terrible." Rukia said indignantly.

"You know what Rukia, you're right you don't just have a cold and I think I know what you have."

Ichigo typed something into his laptop and then turned the screen towards Rukia.

**Cyberchondria**: _Cyberchondria__ (or __cyberchondriasis__) refers to the unfounded escalation of concerns about common symptomology based on review of search results and literature online Articles in popular media position cyberchondria anywhere from temporary neurotic excess to adjunct hypochondria. Cyberchondria is a growing concern among many healthcare practitioners as patients can now research any and all symptoms of a rare disease, illness or condition, and manifest a state of medical anxiety._

For somebody with a sore throat Rukia sure could yell loud.

* * *

**A/N: **I put the symptoms that Rukia describe into one of those diagnose yourself online things and syphilis was actually one of the conditions it came up with. The moral of this story is if you are not feeling well go see a doctor**.** Oh, and feel free to leave a review.


	12. The Box

**A/N**: I am so sorry that I have not updated in so long! I can't believe I haven't updated in over a year. I promise I will never do that again.

**Warning**: This Story contains Twilight bashing. So if you are a Twilight fan proceed with caution.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach.

* * *

**The Box**

"I'll never understand you mortals and how you always find ways to elevate yourselves to new levels of debauchery. I cannot believe you allow this trash to be sold and read by the public!"

And as Ichigo began to sweat because he really, really, hoped that Rukia had not found the magazines which Keigo, stupid idiotic Keigo, had left here after declaring that Ichigo needed to start acting like '_a hot-blooded guy his age_'. Ichigo had planned on disposing of those said magazines ASAP, except he had not yet figured out how to go about doing that as they did not seem like the type of things you should put out with your recycling. So he had left them in a cardboard box in his closet, and he prayed to GOD that Rukia had not found them now.

And then Rukia came into view and dropped a cardboard box on the table with a loud thump. And Ichigo knew he was doomed.

Before Ichigo could say anything Rukia hissed "I can't believe it!"

"Look, Rukia I can explain—"

"It's unbelievable!" She declared cutting him off with a murderous look. "I mean he spends most of his time stalking her or watching her while she sleeps. He literally follows her around in his car. And later after they finally have sex she wakes up covered in bruises but she tries to hide them so he will not feel bad! And that's not even the worst part! She gets pregnant and has a baby and then this other guy who was in love with her decides that the baby is his soulmate. His soulmate! A baby! An infant still in diapers! It's sick I tell you sick!"

That did sound pretty sick to Ichigo. Evidently Keigo needed more help than he had thought.

"And the whole time she acts like this helpless little girl and is absolutely useless and is always like _Help! I'm useless. Somebody come save me_! And to think that the nation's teenage girls are being encouraged to read this trash!"

_Teenage girls_…Now unlike Keigo Ichigo was not an expert on porn, but he was pretty sure that teenage girls were not the demographic they were targeting. If they were not talking about Keigo's magazines though, _which he hoped to GOD they were not_, then what were they talking about? Somehow Ichigo did not think it would go over well if he stopped Rukia mid-rant and asked her whether or not she happened to be ranting about Keigo's dirty magazines or something else though.

"...and they sparkle in the sunlight! I ask you how does it make any sense that they would sparkle in the sunlight!"

Apparently that was the end of her rant and Rukia now looked expectantly at Ichigo. Ichigo was not sure what to say as he was not exactly sure what they were talking about, but finally he decided the safest thing to say was "You are so right. I completely agree with you."

Evidently that was the right thing to say because Rukia nodded her head and said to him "I hope Ichigo that if you ever find these sorts of books in your sisters' room you will make sure to burn them."

Ichigo nodded his head dutifully, and Rukia, evidently pleased by his agreement, picked up the box and marched back upstairs.

Ichigo was left feeling very relieved as he now knew for sure that it had not been the Keigo's dirty magazines that Rukia had found and been ranting about. If it had been Rukia certainly would not have left him intact. No, she would have yelled and screamed at him and then likely cut off a very important part of his anatomy. This revelation however also left Ichigo feeling very disturbed, as if it had not been dirty magazines they had been talking about, then what exactly had they been talking about? Furthermore Ichigo was horrified by the fact that Rukia had advised him that whatever they had been talking about, his sisters, _his little baby sisters_, might have stashed away in their room.

_Ichigo needed to find out what was in that box. _

_

* * *

_

Ichigo's chance to secretly look in the box came more quickly than he had expected when Rukia announced that she was going to visit Orihime.

As soon as he heard her leave Ichigo dashed upstairs and began to look around their bedroom for the box. His plan however was thwarted by the fact that even after he had searched the whole apartment he had not found the mystery box. He had however found Keigo's box of porn again and made a mental note to get rid of that as quickly as possible.

While he had given up searching for the box the question of what had been in it would not leave him alone.

That night when they were lying in bed together reading Ichigo asked as nonchalantly as possible "So what happened to that box you had earlier?"

"Oh, I returned it to Orihime." Rukia said, not even looking up at Ichigo.

_Orihime_. Ichigo smiled. All he would need to do was ask Orihime what was in the box tomorrow and the mystery would be solved. Simple…except if there was something really inappropriate in the box, in which case things would be akward, very akward…

* * *

"Hello?"

"Orihime?"

"Kurosaki-kun, what a surprise to hear from you! You know I just saw Rukia yesterday and we had a wonderful time. She tried my famous bean and fish buns and she absolutely loved them! You should come over some time and try them."

"Err, yes that would be nice. I actually called though because I wanted to ask you about the box that Rukia returned to you yesterday."

"Oh, the books! Rukia did not seem to like them very much, but I suppose to each their own. I just love them though! Edward is so strong and dreamy. Oh, I can go on all day about him but you had a question you wanted to ask."

"Yeah, I just wanted to know which books you lent Rukia because I was thinking of reading them myself."

"I lent her the Twilight Saga. I really didn't think those would be your types of books Kurosaki-Kun but I can lend them to you if you want."

"NO! I changed my mind I don't really want to read those books after all." _More like he would rather gouge out his eyes than read those books_. _"_Well I've got to go. I'll talk to you later then Orihime."

"Okay. Bye Kurosaki-Kun!"

_The Twilight Saga. _Well that explained everything . Ichigo shuddered. No wonder Rukia had been so disturbed.

* * *

THUMP!

Rukia.

With a box.

Looking like she was about to murder Ichigo.

Oh Shit! _Ichigo knew he had forgotten to do something._


	13. The Cat

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach.

**The Cat**

Ichigo fumbled in his pocket for his keys to the home he shared with Rukia. Maybe shared wasn't the best word though. More like home where Rukia begrudgingly allowed him to reside because he was the one who paid the rent. Ever since the incident with the box Ichigo had been sleeping on the couch. Today would mark the beginning of his third week of exile from their bedroom and that couch was damn uncomfortable. _Screw all that money that they had shelled out for a comfortable bed, knowing Rukia he should have shelled out money for a comfortable couch._

_Stupid Keigo. Stupid Rukia_. Ichigo thought as he angrily jerked the door open.

As Ichigo stepped into the house he felt something brush past him and saw a black cat scurrying down the sidewalk. A cat. Ichigo didn't like cats. A couple of days ago Ichigo and Rukia had been arguing about the whole couch situation and Rukia had said that she certainly was not missing Ichigo and if she did get lonely she could just get a cat to—

_Oh crap_! Rukia must have decided to get a cat and Ichigo had just let it out of the house. And if he wasn't in the doghouse already he sure would be when Rukia got back and found her cat was missing.

"NO! Come back!" ichigo yelled as he dashed off down the sidewalk after the cat.

* * *

Ichigo was doomed. He had spent all afternoon chasing around that damn cat and hadn't been able to catch it. He had lost it somewhere in Karakura Park and after wandering around the park aimlessly for two hours had decided he might as well go home and face his doom.

When Ichigo let himself into the house Rukia was immediately in his face, no doubt about to question him about where her cat was. Ichigo decided to just bite the bullet and tell her the truth about what happened before she could start questioning him "Rukia, I 'm really sorry but I lost the cat."

"The cat—"

"When I came in this morning I accidentally let it out," Ichigo quickly continued, interrupting Rukia before she could start ranting, "I chased it down the street and then downtown and through several alleyways and over some roofs and then all the way to Karakura Park but then I lost it and so I wandered all around the park—"

"Ichigo," Rukia cut in, "I don't have a cat."

"What? But there was a black cat with gold eyes and it ran out of the house when I came in—"

"Ichigo, did you just spend all afternoon chasing after _Yoruichi_?" Rukia asked in disbelief, giving him the look she reserved for people who she thought were idiots.

_A black cat with golden eyes. Yoruichi could turn into a black cat with golden eyes. Yoruichi sometimes liked to visit Rukia. Yoruichi sometimes liked to visit Rukia as a cat…_

Ichigo let out a moan of frustration "I thought I was chasing after your new cat because you had been talking about getting a cat a couple of days ago. I cannot believe I just wasted five hours chasing Yoruichi all over town!"

Rukia smiled at Ichigo and said "I wouldn't say you wasted your time Ichigo. I actually think that it was pretty sweet that you were willing to do all that for me. In fact if you were to go upstairs and take a shower," Rukia said with a wrinkle of her nose as she took in his bedraggled appearance, "I might be inclined to let you sleep in our bed tonight."

_As Ichigo made his way upstairs to the shower he wasn't sure if he should thank Yoruichi or strangle her the next time he saw her._

**A/N**: Thanks to everyone who left a review for my last story. I got a new cat so that was kind of what inspired this story. I am currently feeling very inspired by my cat so my next couple of stories might feature cats :) As always feel free to leave a review.


	14. Incompatible

**A/N: **Thanks to everyone who left a review for my last chapter. I decided to try writing a different point of view here, tell me what you think.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach.

Incompatible

The boy was late.

Byakuya had told the boy he would be arriving in the living world at exactly 4:00 pm, and yet now it was 4:06 and the boy was nowhere to be found.

This type of unreliability was exactly why the boy was unfit for his sister. Before Byakuya had left for his weekend in the living world Captain Ukitake had accosted him in the gateroom and suggested to Byakuya that if he would only keep an open mind and give the boy a chance he would find out what a "Fine young man" the boy had matured into.

_Unlikely_, Byakuya scoffed to himself if the beginning of his weekend was any indication. _Clearly the boy had no respect for other people's schedules, just like Byakuya's chronically late lieutenant_. _No doubt when the boy finally did show up he was going to offer some pathetic excuse about how his lateness was not his fault._

Byakuya looked down at the watch which had been provided to him by Urahara, along with his suit of human clothing. Ten minutes. The boy was ten minutes late now.

Five minutes later the boy finally came barging in.

"You are fifteen minutes late."

"I know I'm really sorry." The boy said.

_Ah, cue the pathetic excuse now_.

"There was an old man who collapsed when he was crossing the street and so I stopped to give him CPR and then afterwards I waited with him until the ambulance came."

…_That excuse was actually rather good_.

"Very well, I will accept your excuse. Let us go now."

* * *

Upon their arrival at the house the boy had informed Byakuya that they only had two bedrooms, so Rukia would sleep in her bedroom, and Byakuya would sleep in his, while the boy would sleep on the couch. Byakuya had been wary about this arrangement at first but was surprised to find the boy's bedroom to be immaculately clean, almost as if it was never slept in.

"When will the servants be preparing dinner?" Byakuya inquired after he had finished putting away his stuff.

"Actually, we don't have any servants. We can have dinner when Rukia gets home."

Byakuya bristled. _Clearly the boy was lazy and was making Rukia do all the housework._ "I will not have you make my sister cook after she has been out all day performing her Shinagami duties."

"Actually," The boy said, "Normally I do all the cooking. I just wanted to wait until Rukia got back so the food would be warm for her."

The meal the boy cooked later that night was actually quite good, and Byakuya noted that the boy managed to get through the entire meal without spilling anything on himself or talking with his mouth full.

* * *

Begrudgingly Byakuya had to admit, as he waited on the couch downstairs for the boy and Rukia, the boy had been a good host so far. Tonight the boy was taking him and his sister out to what Rukia had informed him was a very fancy restaurant for Karakura.

The boy finally came downstairs and…_What was he wearing! Clearly the boy had terrible taste if he was planning on wearing that monstrosity in public. Perhaps he was wearing it on purpose just to embarrass Byakuya…_

"Are you planning on wearing that in public?"

The boy looked down at his tie with little white bunnies and pink hearts on it and chuckled. "It's awful, I know. But Rukia gave it to me for my Birthday and I didn't want to hurt her feelings by not wearing it."

_Oh. _Byakuya shuddered and prayed that his sister never bought him clothing as a gift.

* * *

"Ichigo, I told you we cannot drive over that bridge today!"

"RUKIA! We are not taking the long route when we can take the bridge and be there in THIRTY MINUTES!"

"Kurosaki Ichigo, why are you yelling at my sister?" Byakuya demanded as he appeared in the kitchen and gave the boy a death glare. _How dare the boy yell at his sister!_

The boy however appeared unfazed by Byakuya's appearance and pointed an accusing finger at Rukia and said "Because she wants to drive all the way to the other side of town to get to the Cherry Blossom Festival which will take an hour, when we could just take the bridge and be there in thirty minutes!"

Taking the more efficient route certainly seemed like the most reasonable option to Byakuya, however surely his sister had a good reason for why she wanted to take this other route. "I see. And why do you want to take this different route Rukia?" Byakuya asked

"My horoscope told me that I was going to have horrible luck if I travelled over water today."

"Your horoscope?" Byakuya asked. He was unfamiliar with this term.

"The humans, they have a way of telling the future based on the stars." His sister said excitedly.

"It's a load of mumbo-jumbo." He heard the boy mutter under his breath.

After listening to his sister explain for the next fifteen minutes about what horoscopes were, and how she was a Capricorn, and Ichigo was a Cancer, and how technically these signs weren't supposed to be compatible with each other, and because Rukia was a Capricorn she shouldn't travel over water today, Byakuya was forced to agree with the boy's assessment. This horoscope business certainly did not seem very reliable.

"We will take the bridge." Byakuya declared with a finality that even Rukia knew not to argue with.

* * *

"It is very rude of the boy to not be here to see me off." Byakuya said as he and his sister walked into the Urahara Shoten. _Not seeing a guest off was the height of bad manners._

"_Nii-sama, _Ichigo had no choice. He has to make up a test that he missed last week." Rukia explained.

"If the test was so important then he should not have missed it to begin with."

"His sister was sick and he had to go and take care of her." Rukia answered, "Family is the most important thing for him."

_Hmmm_.

* * *

"So how did your visit to the living world go?" Captain Ukitake asked Byakuya after the Captain's meeting.

"It went well."

"I see. And Ichigo? How did you find him?"

"He was an…adequate host." Byakuya begrudgingly admitted.

"Did this change your mind about him?" Ukitake asked.

"No. He is still completely unfit for my sister."

"And why is that? Was he rude? Did he not treat your sister well?"

"He…" Byakuya began. _He what? He was a good Samaritan who helped others in need? He did his share of the chores at home? He obviously cared enough about Rukia's feelings to wear a hideously ugly tie? He was a reasonable individual? His family was the most important thing to him?_

"You don't have a reason do you?" Captain Ukitake asked.

"Of course I do." Byakuya said indignantly. _It was not as if Byakuya was simply prejudiced towards the boy_.

"And that reason would be?" Captain Ukitake inquired.

"Rukia is a Capricorn and Ichigo is a Cancer. They are completely incompatible."

* * *

**Note on Astrology**: Technically according to astrology Cancer and Capricorn are supposed to be compatible in some cases, but I decided to make them uncompatible for this story. Personally I agree with Ichigo about astrology being a load of mumbo-jumbo. There is a horoscope section in the daily newspaper that is given out at skytrain systems near where I live and I will always remember when they made the _amazing_ prediction that "Somebody's internet is down." (What an astounding insight! Somewhere somebody's interent is down! LOL) and then another time it advised me "Don't walk near trees otherwise you will get bogged down." (WTF?). Sorry that's just my little rant about horoscopes.


	15. Fate

**A/N**: Thanks to all the people who left me reviews for my last story. I wrote this story a while ago about how Ichigo and Rukia got together and decided to finally post it. It's in a different format then my other stories. Hope you guys enjoy it.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach.

* * *

**Fate**

**Tuesday December the 2****nd****, 4:37 PM, Urahara Shoten**

Urahara: "Where are Ichigo and Rukia?"

Yoruichi: "Outside arguing."

Chad: "Again."

Renji: "Gods they're idiots."

Matsumoto: "Why don't they just get together already! They already sound like an old married couple."

Yoruichi: "I don't know how they can be so oblivious."

Orihime: "Do you think they're ever going to figure it out?"

Renji: "Eventually I guess."

Urahara: "Luckily Shinagami have long lives."

Yoruichi: "Very long lives…"

Matsumoto: "They're so close, all they need is a subtle nudge in the right direction."

Uryu: "A subtle nudge won't do it. Not with those two. They need a lock them together in a closet until they confess type of nudge. And even that might not be enough."

Renji: "Locking them in a closet might work, but they'd be REALLY REALLY ANGRY when they got out. Angry Rukia is scary."

Uryu: "I didn't mean literally lock them in a closet."

Orihime: "But Rukia likes being in closets!"

Chad: "If they're truly meant to be together, then they will find a way to be together. It will be fate, not our interference that will bring them together."

Renji: "That's deep."

Matsumoto: "But fate is too slow!"

Yoruichi: "What's wrong with giving fate a helping hand?"

* * *

**Friday December the 5****th****, 8:06 PM, Urahara Shoten**

Yoruichi: "So did you guys give them the tickets?"

Orihime: "Yep. We told them that I won the tickets for the carnival in a contest, but that we already had plans for this Saturday."

Uryu: "Ichigo didn't want to go, but once we explained to Rukia what a carnival was she managed to convince him to take her."

Renji: "Convinced as in yelled at him until he agreed?"

Uryu: "Pretty much."

Urahara: "I contacted some of the people who owe me favours and I managed to get a booth at the carnival. It's in a perfect location; it's between a gift shop selling Chappy stuff and a cotton candy stall. There's no way Rukia will be able to walk by there without stopping."

Matsumoto: "I made this sign for the booth, '_Madame Vivaine: Fortune Teller' _ I even added a Chappy picture as extra insurance to make sure they stop there."

Yoruichi: "I contacted my friend Esme. She said she would be happy to help us out. I gave her pictures of Ichigo and Rukia so that she can make sure to stop them when they walk by. She said it would be helpful though if we could tell her some things about Ichigo and Rukia that not many people would know to increase her credibility as a psychic in their eyes."

Uryu: "Shouldn't she know that stuff already if she really is a fortune teller? And I thought her name was Vivaine."

Yoriuchi: "Her name is Esme and I never said she was a fortune teller. She's a con woman. Vivaine is the name she uses when she plays the psychic fortune teller card. Don't worry though, she can put on one hell of a show."

Orihime: "Well Rukia's favourite food is rice dumplings.

Yoruichi: "I think we might need something a bit more secret than that."

Renji: "Rukia doesn't like dogs because she was bitten by one when we were kids."

Uryu: "Ichigo wants to be a doctor like his father."

Yoruichi: "Alright, that's probably good enough. I'll get her to also add in something for Rukia about her being an old soul, and maybe something about the fact that she is adopted. I think Ichigo will probably be pretty skeptical though, we need to add something that will ensure that he believes in her abilities."

Chad: "Ichigo hates the rain. It reminds him of the day his mother died."

Yoruichi: "That will work. Now the question is what do we want her to tell them?"

Chad: "She should tell them that life is short and you need to seize opportunities when they come up. Fate has tied them to the person they are meant to be with, and they need to tell this person how they feel because tomorrow might be too late."

Yoruichi: "Perfect! It looks like we are all set"

Matsumoto: "Allright! Operation Fate: _Get Ichigo and Rukia Together_ is officially a go."

* * *

**Sunday December the 7****th****, 11:00 AM, Urahara Shoten**

Urahara: "Ichigo, Rukia, what a surprise to see you guys here."

Ichigo: "How is this a surprise? You asked us to come here to pick up the new gikongan."

Urahara: "Oh I forgot about that."

Ichigo: "It is kind of surprising and suspicious though that all of you are here. It's kind of like you guys were all waiting for us to come."

Rukia: "Very suspicious. Are you guys plotting something?"

Orihime: "Oh no, of course not Rukia. Uryu and I were just on our way to pick up some groceries and decided to stop for a visit."

Renji: "I was ummm, training, with … uh … Chad."

Matsumoto: "I was watching Renji and Chad train."

Yoruichi: "I'm here to see Kisuke."

Urahara: "And of course I am the handsome proprietor of this shop. So you see Ichigo and Rukia there is absolutely nothing suspicious about all of us being here. Nothing at all. Just a series of coincidences."

Ichigo: "Right…well do you want to give us the gikongan you promised us. Rukia and I are kind of in a hurry."

Urahara: "Of course, I'll just get Tessai to go and get the gikongan for you. TESSAI GET THE GIKONGAN FOR ICHIGO AND RUKIA!"

Tessai: "You don't have to shout. I'm standing right here beside you."

Urahara: "Oh, uh sorry. I didn't even notice you there."

Orihime: "So how was the Carnival yesterday?"

Rukia: "Well actually we didn't end up going yesterday—"

Matsumoto: "WHAT? YOU DIDN"T GO?"

Rukia: "Uh, yeah we feel really bad that we wasted those tickets but something kind of just came up. Sorry about that Orihime, we really didn't mean to waste them."

Ichigo: "Yeah sorry."

Orihime: "Oh that's allright—"

Matsumoto: "No that's not all right! After all that hard work that we did—I mean Orihime did to win those tickets and you guys don't even go. How could you do that?"

Ichigo: "We said we're sorry. We feel bad that we didn't use the tickets but they were free, so it's not like we wasted Orihime's money. I really don't think this is such a big deal Matsumoto."

Matsumoto: "Not a big deal! Our perfect –mmmphhh."

Renji: "I'm sorry, Matsumoto had a couple of drinks before she came here, and I think she should be _quiet _now, so she doesn't accidentally let something _slip _out."

Rukia: "We're really sorry about this though Orihime."

Orihime: "Oh don't worry about it. Maybe you guys should go today instead."

Urahara: "Yes! Today would be an excellent idea."

Rukia: "Actually we had already planned on going to the carnival today."

Yoruichi: "_Really_? When were you guys planning on going?"

Rukia: "Right after we're finished here. "

Urahara: "I see and is Ichigo going to be paying?"

Rukia: "Yes."

Urahara: "You and Ichigo going to the carnival together, and him paying, you know that kind of sounds like a date."

Rukia: "It is a date."

Matsumoto: "WHAT? But you guys haven't even gone to the fort—mmmmphh."

Renji: "Sorry, she's really drunk. So uh, how did you guys end up getting together?"

Rukia: "We just kind of realized that we had feelings for each other."

Ichigo: "Yeah."

Tessai: "I have the gikongan."

Urahara: "Ahh, just in time. Here you guys go. These still need a little bit of tweaking though, so there might be some side effects."

Ichigo: "Side effects?"

Urahara: "Just make sure to contact me if you feel any numbness in your hands or if you lose all vision in your left eye."

Ichigo: "Uhh sure. Thanks. Now as much as we would like to stay and continue this awkward conversation, I think Rukia and I should get going now."

Urahara: "Well you kids have a good time on your date."

Orihime: "Bye ichigo. Bye Rukia."

_Ten seconds later..._

Matsumoto: "Those ungrateful idiots! Our plan was so perfect."

Renji: "Why are you so upset? They're together now, isn't that all that matters?"

Matsumoto: "But I wanted our elaborate plan to work!"

Yoruichi: "They really didn't need our help after all."

Orihime: "I guess it really was fate."

Yoruichi: "Fate? Yeah, I guess so."

* * *

_One day earlier…_

**Saturday December the 6****th****, 10:04 AM, Kurosaki Residence**

Rukia: "Hurry up Ichigo! I don't want to be late!"

Ichigo: "Rukia it's ten o'clock the Carnival doesn't even open till twelve."

Rukia: "I know but I want to be there right when it opens so we don't miss out on anything."

Ichigo: "Allright shorty, you sound like a little kid"

Rukia: "I'll overlook that 'shorty' comment because I'm in such a good mood."

Karin: "Could you two pipe down, Yuzu and I are trying to watch TV."

Rukia: "Sorry."

Ichigo: "Allright you all set and—Rukia is that the coat you're planning on wearing?"

Rukia: "Yes. Why, what's wrong with it?"

Ichigo: "You're going to freeze in that. Don't you have a heavier coat to wear?"

Rukia: "No."

Yuzu: "Don't worry Rukia, you can borrow mine."

Rukia: "Really? Thanks Yuzu!"

Ichigo: "Allright let's get going then…"

Rukia: "Ichigo what's that thing above the door that you're looking at?"

Yuzu: "It's mistletoe. When two people stand under the mistletoe together they have to kiss."

Rukia: "Really?"

Ichigo: "No! That's just a super—"

Yuzu: "It's really bad luck if you don't kiss somebody when you're under the mistletoe together."

Rukia: "Bad luck? I don't want to be cursed with bad luck!"

Ichigo: "Rukia I am not kiss—mmmh"

_Thirty seconds later…_

Karin: "You know you're only supposed to kiss the person under the mistletoe not make out with them. Gross! Get a room you two."

Rukia: "Oh, uh sorry."

Karin: "I'm going to my room."

Rukia: "Ichigo, you know I really don't feel like going to the carnival anymore. Maybe we could just hang out upstairs in your room and…"

Ichigo: "Good idea! That's exactly what I was thinking."

_Ten seconds later..._

Isshin: "HIGH FIVE YUZU! Operation Mistletoe was a SUCCESS!"


	16. Most Eligible Bachlorette

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach.

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone who left me a review for the last chapter. I'm glad you guys enjoyed it so much. This chapter was inspired by a suggestion made by **Msdgirl**. This one is set in Ichigo and Rukia's high school days. As always feel free to leave a review.

**Dedication:** To **Msdgirl**

* * *

**Most Eligible Bachlorette**

"Kurosaki! Kurosaki!"

"What?" Ichigo finally said to the lower classmen who had been desperately trying to get his attention.

"Rei Takahashi, reporting for the Karakura High Newspaper. What do you think of the fact that Rukia Kuchiki has been voted the most eligible bachelorette at Karakura High?"

"What are you talking about?" Ichigo asked. 

"In the poll released today in the Karakura High Newspaper Rukia Kuchiki was voted the most eligible bacholerette in the school with 38% of the popular vote."

"And why should I care about some stupid poll?" Ichigo said with disdain. Clearly whoever had voted in that poll was insane. It's not like Rukia was anything great. Sure she had those big violet eyes and shiny black hair, but she was…short and…and…and well Rukia.

"It has been widely rumoured that you are in fact in a secret relationship with transfer student Rukia Kuchiki."

"What? That's ridiculous!" Ichigo exclaimed.

"So you are not in fact in a secret relationship with Rukia Kuchiki?"

"No! Who would be attracted to that chappy loving midget?"

* * *

Spurned Lover Kurosaki Bitter Over Rukia Kuchiki's Newfound Popularity

_Following the release of the Karakura High Newspaper Most Eligible Bacholerette poll yesterday our intrepid reporter Rei Takahashi tracked down student Ichigo Kurosaki, who it is widely rumoured has been in a secret relationship with transfer student Rukia Kuchiki. When asked about the poll results Kurosaki responded "Why should I care?" and then when he was asked if he was currently in a relationship with Rukia Kuchiki, Kurosaki answered No, adding in "Who would be attracted to that chappy loving midget?" It sounds to this reporter like we have a case of sour grapes here. Kurosaki is obviously bitter over the fact that his advances have been spurned by the beautiful transfer student Rukia Kuchiki._

* * *

"I want to talk to the person in charge here!" Ichigo yelled, as he stormed into the offices of the Karakura High Newspaper. He had had to endure people staring and pointing at him all day as they whispered about how he was the poor spurned lover of Rukia. Rukia had found the whole incident vastly amusing and had taken to referring to Ichigo as 'Sour Grapes' when she was not busy basking in the praise of her many newfound admirers.

A short bespectacled student got up from his computer and walked over to Ichigo, "Yes, is there a problem?"

"Yes there is a problem! Your incompetent reporter," Ichigo said, pointing at Takahashi who was cowering at his desk, "Reported that I am Rukia's spurned lover. I am not Rukia's spurned lover! I expect to see a correction about this in tomorrow's newspaper. Got it?"

"Of course Kurosaki, my apologies for our mistake." The student said, bowing to Ichigo.

* * *

"ICHIGO! YOU IDIOT!" Rukia screamed, before shoving a newspaper in his face.

Rukia Kuchiki No Longer Most Eligible Bacholorette.

_The Karakura High Newspaper unfortunately has had to revoke Rukia Kuchiki's title of Most Eligible Bachelorette, as Ichigo Kurosaki informed our staff yesterday that he and Rukia Kuchiki are in fact in a relationship. Therefore Rukia Kuchiki is no longer eligible for the title of Most Eligible Bachelorette. The title of Most Eligible Bachelorette will therefore be passed on to the runner-up…_

"I want my title back! Fix this! Now!" Rukia yelled at Ichigo.

* * *

"I am not Rukia's spurned lover. Or her lover period. We are just friends. That's it. We are not in a relationship and I expect to see that printed in the newspaper tomorrow. And you better not write some other ridiculous story about how Rukia is pregnant with my child or something like that." Ichigo angrily informed the Karakura High Newspaper editor before delivering his most menacing glare and then storming out.

* * *

Ichigo Kurosaki Denies Rukia Kuchiki is Pregnant with his Child


	17. Life Insurance

**A/N**: Sorry for the long wait. I have been busy working on other stories and kind of neglected this one. I was kind of unsure about posting this one, but then I thought I might as well.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**Life Insurance**

"Ichigo! I've figured it out!" Rukia exclaimed.

"Figured out what?" Ichigo asked from his seat in front of the TV. _Maybe Rukia had finally figured out how to search the internet without getting a virus on their computer._

"How we can become rich!" Rukia said, as she dashed into the room.

_Uh oh._ Ichigo really, really, really, hoped that Rukia hadn't clicked on one of those pop-ups on the internet claiming that it could make you a millionaire.

"Rukia, you didn't click on one of those pop-up ads did you?"

"What? No of course not Ichigo. You told me about the dangers of pop-ups last week." Rukia said indignantly.

_That was a relief._

"Alright, then what is your great idea to make us rich?" Ichigo asked. He wasn't really interested in knowing, but he figured this would be the quickest way to get Rukia to leave so he could go back to watching his soccer game.

"Life Insurance!"

"You want to sell life insurance?" Ichigo asked skeptically.

"No. I want to buy it!"

"I'm not following you."

"Well, you see you purchase life insurance in order to insure yourself against an unexpected death. And then if you do die unexpectedly they pay a whole bunch of money out to your beneficiaries."

"Rukia, I know what life insurance is. Can you get to the point about how this is supposed to make us money?"

"All I need to do is buy life insurance and put you as my beneficiary, and then I can use my gigai to stage my own death, and we will be rich!" Rukia said excitedly, looking at Ichigo like she had just discovered a way to turn lead into gold.

"No. Absolutely not. You're not staging your own death Rukia." Ichigo said, and Rukia was taken aback by how angry he looked.

"Why not? My plan is brilliant!" Rukia, protested, unable to understand how Ichigo could not see how brilliant her plan was.

"Because I said no!"

"I don't see why you're so upset about this Ichigo. It's not like I'll actually be dead. It'll just be a gigai, and then afterwards I can come back in a different gigai."

"It may just be a gigai to you, but it isn't to me. To me it's you. Do you know how difficult it would be for me to see you lying in a coffin? Even if it was just a gigai?"

"Oh," Rukia whispered, feeling rather ashamed of herself.

"And a lot of other people here in the human world care about you too Rukia. How do you think my family and all of our friends would feel if they thought you were dead?"

"You're right I never thought about that." Rukia said, looking up at Ichigo who actually looked quite upset.,"I'm sorry Ichigo, that was really thoughtless of me. I never realized before how many people here care about me."

* * *

"Hey Renji! Do you want to do me a favour?"

"What type of favour?"

"One that will make us rich!"

"Rich?" Renji asked, his eyes lighting up.

"Yes. It's called life insurance. You buy the insurance and then if you die they pay your beneficiaries a bunch of money."

"So, you want one of us to die?" Renji asked in confusion.

"No, of course not. Nobody would really die. We would use a gigai to stage somebody's death so we could collect the money. Originally I was planning on staging my own death by using my gigai, but then Ichigo reminded me of how many people in the human world care about me and would be devastated if they thought I had died, and so I had to abandon that plan."

"So if you're not planning on staging your own death what do you need a favour for then?"

"Well I can't stage my own death because it would upset too many people, but then afterward I was thinking, who in the human world would miss Ichigo's long-lost relative Renji?"

* * *

**A/N**: In the anime Bount arc Renji came to the living world and was introduced to Ichigo's classmates as a long-lost relative of Ichigo.

Feel free to leave a review.


	18. Halloween

**A/N: **I wrote this short one a long time ago and now that is near Halloween I thought I might as well finally post it. Happy Halloween :)**  
**

**Halloween**

"Hey, Ichigo what is he supposed to be?"

"A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle."

"A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?" Rukia asked with a confused look on her face.

"They're from a cartoon. They have superpowers."

"Oh. And him?"

"I think that's just a policeman Rukia. A real one."

" And what's she supposed to be?" Rukia said pointing to another person on the street.

Ichigo looked over to where Rukia was pointing and saw a scantily clad woman in a short black dress with a witch's hat on and about five pounds of makeup.

"A witch."

"A witch? That doesn't look like a witch to me."

"Allright, a slutty witch."

"And her?"

"Slutty fairy."

"Her?"

"Slutty cat."

"And you told me Halloween costumes weren't scary!"

* * *

**A/N:** Does anybody else find some of the costumes that girls wear today pretty frightening?


End file.
